I’ve finally hit upon the secret to weight loss.
Before I tell you, I should make a disclaimer. I am healthy. I am not overweight and never have been. I would, however, like to lose about 10-15 pounds because I am female and it is in our DNA to never be satisfied with our bodies. If we actually start to like ourselves, there will be numerous photo-shopped models shoved in our faces to make sure we feel our inferiority. Making us feel inferior and then telling us that “a quick purchase of XYZ product will make you perfect” is in the advertisers’ DNA. It’s a perfect mix. But I digress.
So, although I don’t technically need to lose weight from a doctor’s perspective, I have still read after various diet gurus. By blending together all their wisdom, I have come up with the perfect dieting solution. Don’t eat anything, ever. That’s right, folks. Here’s the short list:
1. Don’t eat wheat. You’ll get a wheat belly.
2. Don’t eat any grains. How are they bad for you? Let me count the ways…
3. In fact, don’t eat carbs at all. God didn’t know what He was doing when He put carbs in fruits, veggies and grains. You shouldn’t eat them. They make you fat.
4. Don’t eat cruciferous vegetables (like broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, kale, spinach, and cabbage.) They will slow your thyroid and thereby slow your metabolism. They will make you fat.
5. Don’t eat carrots or potatoes or beets (see #3).
6. Don’t eat fats.
7. Don’t eat meat — you should be a vegetarian to lose weight.
8. Don’t eat dairy — either you are lactose intolerant or you should be a vegan.
9. Don’t eat eggs.
10. Don’t eat soy — it’s a phytoestrogen. It’ll mess up your hormones…and make you fat.
11. Don’t eat fruit. (see #3).
12. Don’t eat sugar. Ever. Even in it’s natural forms like honey or maple syrup.
13. Don’t drink water. It’s just too confusing. Either you should always drink bottled, or never drink it. You should drink reverse osmosis, or never touch it. It should be filtered, or boiled or who knows what before you poison your body with it. Since every diet guru has an opinion about water, but none of them agree, you should stop drinking it until they figure it out.
My conclusion? Never eat anything again. You may be dead, but hey, you’ll be skinny and dead.
Or we could just ignore the diet gurus and all the stress that goes with their ever-changing theories. We could just endeavor to moderate ourselves without cutting out real food as though it were inherently evil. We could make peace with our food.
Before anyone gets really mad at me and writes me nasty-grams, let me add another disclaimer:
I realize that there are many people out there who have real medical conditions that prevent them from eating some of the things on that list. Please do what is right for your body. I also realize that there are many people out there who truly struggle with their weight and have tried every diet on the planet to no avail. Bless you.
All I am saying is that the world of the latest-greatest-diet is a confusing mess of conflicting advice. While almost any diet will work in the short term, it is incredibly difficult and stressful for the average person to find something that will work long term. That kind of stress can’t be helping.
It just seems simpler and so much less stressful to *try* to eat as close to the way God made food as we can without stressing over it when we can’t, to try to eat only when we are actually hungry, and to not let a whacked out media dictate what our bodies should look like.
Am I the only one who gets tired of the conflicting advice and the strange dieting extremes?