For real. Some things you wouldn’t think you would have to say. But if you are a mom, you know what I’m talking about.
Lately, it has been ridiculous.
Pickle Mickle (my recently turned “independent” five-year-old) has morphed from an independent potty go-er to a needy potty socialite. I don’t mean she needs me to help her do the deed. I mean she “needs” me to hang out with her and keep her company while she does the deed. Really!?! I can think of better places to shoot the breeze, sister. I found myself saying to her during a recent dinner-time potty break, “Honey. Your dinner is getting cold while you spend 10 minutes trying to think of ways to get me to come in there with you.”
Did you read that with sarcasm? Because I said it with sarcasm.
If this were the first – or 40th- time, I might have kept the sarcasm at bay. But no. This, apparently, is our new normal.
Just in case you think the ridiculousness stops there, let me go on. I can sneak two floors up to the farthest, most remote toilet in our house for a little potty-privacy of my own and that kid has a potty-sensor. She will run up two flights of stairs the minute I shut the door. She will jiggle the handle and talk through the door the entire time. Why is the bathroom so socially inviting!?!
Lest you think I take so long that my kids are legitimately missing me, we are talking like 2 minutes tops. I know better than to try to use a bathroom for privacy. Going to the toilet around here is akin to scheduling a flash mob. Everybody is invited.
In fact, there have been days when my 2-minute rendezvous with the bowl-with-a-hole invited multiple different people hunting for me in desperation. And then my husband started talking to me through the door. I can’t make this stuff up.
I’m staging a Mommy Rebellion. I may schedule an entire homeschool class called “Going to the Toilet is NOT a Social Event” complete with thesis papers and a debate team — because I think my family is broken.
Please tell me I’m not the only mother whose family is completely off its rocker.
Have a great day (and a private bathroom),